Parents In Youth Ministry
Mar 17
success parents and youth ministry, Successful youth ministry, Youth Minister versus parents, youth ministry-how to get fired No Comments
Another youth minister bites the dust.
And I really liked this guy. He had been at the same church for five years and had a great ministry. They said “He got sideways with some of the parents”. Sideways? The other day I asked a youth minister friend if he got my message I left on his voice mail. “Oh I only check the office phone once a week. It is usually just parents calling to gripe!” “You know, youth ministry would be fun if it wasn’t for parents,”
I hear that theme quite often, and I want to tell you why.
I was a full time youth minister in the late 70s and early 80s, yeah I know, we had dinosaur races. Since then I’ve been a volunteer leader, served on many youth committees, been the deacon liaison to the youth department, served on a youth minister search committee, and had three teenagers of my own.
What I want to share with you are secrets from the enemy camp. I am going to explain to you why parents act the way they do, how you can use this to expand your ministry, and how to not just survive but to thrive with this information. If you have never had teenagers of your own you just have to take my word for this.
Have you ever gone to a youth sporting event? The kid’s parents have come to watch their kid’s team play a nice wonderful game. Yeah boy! Here is secret number one. The only parents watching the team are the stars of the team’s parents. Little Suzy’s parents are there to watch little Suzy, period. If the team wins and little Suzy does not play, the coach is an idiot, the entire league corrupt, and letters will fly. It just is. There are a lot of really good reasons for this, but understand that this is the reality.
The exact same thing happens in your church. If you have parent problems pay close attention, I want you to understand why.
The parents of your church run the emotional gamut. You will have all types. When these parents were young, they had the cutest little kids you ever have seen. They would dress them all up and take them to church where they learned to sing Jesus loves me this I know, and made necklaces out of macaroni at VBS. Suddenly these precious little children became teenagers. Listen to me. Your parents are scared to death. Their precious little children are now talking back to them and hanging with friends. They are out of the parent’s direct control. These parents are looking to you to get them through adolescence. How does that make you feel? No pressure.
There will also be families that will join your church because their kids are already headed down the wrong road. They will join the church and literally stand back and wait for you to “do something” to save their child”.
Both of these groups will not say this to you. Catch that. They expect you to do something to get to know deeply their child. They have huge expectations that you don’t even know about. Worse than that there will be a group of the kids at your church that you really like. They love Jesus, come to everything, and are just a joy to be with. And they will drive off everyone else. Now, go back to the parents of the eighteen year old tough guy from a different social group at school, or the uglier girl, or the geek. You know the ones. Even you don’t like them.
If you don’t reach their child you are an idiot, the entire church corrupt and letters will fly. Did you do something wrong? Of course not, but that doesn’t matter.
Being a parent I want to offer an apologia for parents, a way for you to think.
When Jesus saw the people in their lost state, the bible says he had splagchnizomai. Compassion, literally a feeling with and for others, is a fundamental and distinctive quality of the Biblical conception of God, and to its prominence the world owes more than words can express. The International Bible Encyclopedia.
splagchnizomai. One of the great Godly characteristics. I suspect you tell your teenagers that God wants them to be more and more like Christ. Well here is a chance for you to practice what you teach.
The parents in your church want you to “do something” for their kids because they are scared to death. Can you find compassion for them? They will be your best friend and love on you like you long for if you get this simple understanding.
So what do you do? First of all pray for the kids and their parents until what you do comes from a heart of compassion. Write out splagchnizomai and put it on your wall so that you see it every day. Now get a list of all the families in your church and be intentional. Divide the list into two or more groups. You will have a list of the kids who come all the time and a list of the kids who don’t. We have a free training module on this on our website.
How well do you know the kids? On the list of the kids who don’t come there will be names that you have never met, and names of kids you only kind of know. For these kids look them up in the yearbook, and write down some details. “Oh Billy goes to Slapnot High, plays trumpet in the band and in the school orchestra.” Find out when band or orchestra practice is, get in your car, and go to him, with no agenda, just to get to know him. If your effort is just to get him to come to your activities he will know that and you will hit a brick wall. “If I do that with every kid on the role that I don’t know… there is not enough time already.” Well, we have time management training as well. If you are too busy to go to the teenagers, then pad lock the door to the youth room for a month. Be intentional and get to know every teenager personally.
That’s it for now. Understand how your parents think. Reach out to all the kids. Have compassion for those horrible parents, and you will find you go to all new heights in your ministry. Praying for your success. If you have questions or comments, let me know.